Vacation Relaxation?

Educational Career

So, my friend Nikki wrote a post titled “To PhD or to Not PhD” and discussed her current academic career and life path. When I read this blog entry this morning, I realilzed I too have been in a multiple decision making process about my own PhD and education career.

Unlike Nikki, I knew from the beginning of my MA that I wanted to pursue a PhD. I really thought that I wasn’t done learning… especially when I found my studies interesting for the first time. Yes, my undergraduate work was interesting, but my focus at the time was getting a teaching credential and incorporating English curriculum into an educational setting effectivly.

Once I started my teaching credential and was taking all my edu classes, I craved a literature class… something that would be mind-stimulating and an enjoyment for me to sit through for 4 hours.

Towards the end of my MA, I began the process of searching for PhD schools and the academic areas I would want to study. I applied, filled out paperwork, took the necessary general assessment tests, paid the application fees, sent transcripts, got letters of recommendations, and stressed as each day would pass by in silence. I did this for 3 years… and each school said No… Pacifica did say yes, but with my full time job at a high school, I wouldn’t have been able to make the in-class requirements.

3 years… 6 different rejections…. I never understood why I had such a passion to continue learning and I wasn’t getting in to any schools. It just logically didn’t make sense. When I talked to Bethany about applying for another year, she stated that perhaps I wait. This was not an option. I want to get my PhD yesterday, for crying out loud! Her valid points of how the kid is young and needs my attention… and I currently need to work a full time AND  part time job to help live life… Now, at this moment in time, she was making logical sense.

So… we made a decision that I would wait till the kids have a normal routine… in preschool or kindergaten… and my normal pay would be enough for us to live on and my part time job wouldn’t be necessary. By my calculations, I can begin applying in 2013 for a 2014 start date… and (in theory) this would put me at a 2020 graduation w/ my PhD. 

Right now, Nikki isn’t making any decisions for the next 8 months while she finishes her book… I can’t do that. I have to plan things out. Will my PhD actually come true? I don’t know… Will life change unexpectedly? Of course… Do I still crave to move forward with my educational career? Yes.

Let me walk you through it, part 3

 Today I read Ephesians 5…

prayed…

wrote in my journal to help w/ verbal and visual processing…

and finally got some good clarity about what’s going on.

 

152 pages left

I have 152 pages left of Order of the Phoenix… and I my deadline is this Friday. Must find time for book club!

Let me walk you through it, part 2

Okay… since I did my last brain dump, I have had several thoughts plaguing my mind.

1. Matt mentioned in church that some people just “play church”… processing this, I realize that on occasion I “play church” simply because it has become routine and habit. Not just on Sundays… but the idea of church and my role sometimes seems mechanical, rather than organic. Does that make sense?

Along w/ this (perhaps this is 2), my Bible reading feels forced. I sit and read a chapter (currently I’m on Ephesians) and then I check it off my list. To be truthfully honest… I didn’t read on Friday. I picked up my Bible and put it right back in my bag; didn’t even open it up. Even though I know I need to be in Scripture on a daily basis, something just wasn’t right… I don’t want my relationship w/ God to become systematic to a point that it is sterile and hollow.

3. Knowing how God creating me and understanding my purpose through my “God Eyes” experience, I wonder how effective I am being. <— that’s more for me. I’m not expecting an answer.

4. Uncovering one thing can always lead to another (duh). There are moments when I uncover something and I think I have it identified and labeled… and then it turns out to be something else. A couple months ago, I was struggling w/ self-image issues… but I think that my self-esteem struggle was masking depression… but then I was thinking how this depression is simply coming from being overworked and not having adequate input to match my output…. which leads me back to my “God Eyes” question… round and round we go, right?

Even through all this, I have one phrase that keeps floating in the mix: “Even Superman has Doomsdays”

Okay… time to get ready for tomorrow.